I have never felt as though my life was empty because I could not fulfill the one task a woman is given to procreate. In fact, I have faith that it will happen in the Lord's time and in his own way. Along that path I am learning how to love openly and whole-heartedly. It's been a struggle to come to terms with infertility...and I've temporarily lost faith in myself and sight in God's plan for me, but with Beau by my side, there isn't anything we can't get through. :) The priesthood has also brought peace to my heart through blessings. Most recently Beau and I received blessings from a family friend, President Raymond. In our blessings he said that as we plead with Jesus for the gift of children, Jesus will plead with the Father to release those blessings unto us. He also said that Beau would have the opportunity to teach his children the gospel and PLAY with them. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about these words again. Jesus Christ will plead with the father.....how do I even deserve for him to do this? He has already done more for me than I would EVER ask.
On another note, I can't stop thinking that somehow I will lose Beau or he will lose me. I'm afraid that he will be left alone, with or without children....or that he'll re-marry and that is how he'll have children in his life. Maybe it's the adversary trying it's best to keep me from receiving my blessings by being distracted...who knows.
My heart is full of gratitude for what we have, for this little guy (Champ) in our lives who is teaching us so much! Beau and I have GREAT jobs which we love and after nearly two years of marriage, we're finally feeling like we've got our feet on the ground. :) We've been so blessed with the friends we've made along the way and with his family who is so gracious and loving. God is great and I love him!!!!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Monday, May 27, 2013
The {second} year of marriage!
Okay, lets be real here. I never followed up with that skin care post....I just went to Sephora, found some great stuff and used it. :) Here are some updates on our lives:
{May 2012} After lots of studying and testing, Beau received a promotion at work and became the Executive Director of an assisted living community in Tucson, AZ. We moved from Gilbert to Tucson.
{September 10, 2012} Our 1st year anniversary!!!
{May 2012} Beau gets a 2009 Yamaha Stratoliner motorcycle (minus the blue - it was chromed out!).
{October 2012} I quit my Optician job in Gilbert (Commuting and staying in Gilbert 3 days a week since May) and started working as a Vision Therapy Assistant in Tucson.
{November 2012} On a trip with the Canadian Boys, Beau totals his motorcycle, but thank goodness, isn't seriously hurt. We purchase him a 2011 Ford Taurus (it's time for a family vehicle...LOL!).
{November 2012} Beau gets the heads up that he's being head hunted in Mesa for an ED position.
{November 2012} After 7 months of TTC (trying to conceive), I opted to see a fertility specialist.
{January 2013} We moved back up to Mesa for Beau's job.
{January 2013} I finally get the chance to find out our fertility testing results.....and I'm crushed. We try 3 rounds of 150mg Clomid...results are all BFN! (Big Fat Negatives!)
{March 2013} I get a job at AZMax! :)
{April 2013} Champ our little Havanese puppy is born! ---------->
{May 2013} Dr. Amols calls and we chat about IUI (which he pushes) and IVF (which I push for). I'm tired of beating around the bush and don't want to pay out $12,000 for 3 IUI cycles that have a 15%-22% chance of pregnancy. IVF has a 60%-70% chance of pregnancy.
So....that's pretty much everything....in it's most basic form. I would have to say that this second year of marriage has been the hardest yet. With the guilt of my infertility looming over my head, I didn't know where to turn to. I felt like I didn't have a purpose anymore. I was so depressed. Eventually Beau told me to snap out of it and I did. I found that the greatest therapy for me was to talk about it with other women. Crazy thing is, EVERYONE knows someone, or several people, with infertility issues! I had no idea there were so many of us out there. Why isn't this Sh*t covered by insurance??????
We want to buy a house, but we can't take out a $15,000 loan for fertility purposes and expect to buy a house. I just started a job in march...I'm not even through my 90 days yet, so IVF may have to wait a year. At the same time though, my head and my heart are conflicting.....why wait to have children? Isn't that a higher spiritual law? Do I sacrifice my job to start a family? Can we afford to do that? We live in a 1 bedroom apartment....we need more space if we're going to have babies! The time commitment is so great when it comes to the IVF process...I'm just torn.
I've also really struggled spiritually. I haven't been focusing on US and my own spiritual needs...so one day I just hit rock bottom and had a meltdown about how bad of a person/wife I am. After talking about it several times with Beau, we decided we needed to spiritually try harder. Granted, each day I try to be better than the day before....it's one step at a time. :)
Things I look forward to (besides taking my bra off every day after work):
{June/July 2013} Flying Champ home to AZ from NY!
Finding a private financier for our IVF
Figuring out when we'll start IVF
Buying a house and making it a home. :)
Building a stronger marriage and relationship with my husband. <3
{May 2012} After lots of studying and testing, Beau received a promotion at work and became the Executive Director of an assisted living community in Tucson, AZ. We moved from Gilbert to Tucson.
{September 10, 2012} Our 1st year anniversary!!!
{May 2012} Beau gets a 2009 Yamaha Stratoliner motorcycle (minus the blue - it was chromed out!).
{October 2012} I quit my Optician job in Gilbert (Commuting and staying in Gilbert 3 days a week since May) and started working as a Vision Therapy Assistant in Tucson.
{November 2012} On a trip with the Canadian Boys, Beau totals his motorcycle, but thank goodness, isn't seriously hurt. We purchase him a 2011 Ford Taurus (it's time for a family vehicle...LOL!).
{November 2012} Beau gets the heads up that he's being head hunted in Mesa for an ED position.
{November 2012} After 7 months of TTC (trying to conceive), I opted to see a fertility specialist.
{January 2013} We moved back up to Mesa for Beau's job.
{January 2013} I finally get the chance to find out our fertility testing results.....and I'm crushed. We try 3 rounds of 150mg Clomid...results are all BFN! (Big Fat Negatives!)
{March 2013} I get a job at AZMax! :){April 2013} Champ our little Havanese puppy is born! ---------->
{May 2013} Dr. Amols calls and we chat about IUI (which he pushes) and IVF (which I push for). I'm tired of beating around the bush and don't want to pay out $12,000 for 3 IUI cycles that have a 15%-22% chance of pregnancy. IVF has a 60%-70% chance of pregnancy.
So....that's pretty much everything....in it's most basic form. I would have to say that this second year of marriage has been the hardest yet. With the guilt of my infertility looming over my head, I didn't know where to turn to. I felt like I didn't have a purpose anymore. I was so depressed. Eventually Beau told me to snap out of it and I did. I found that the greatest therapy for me was to talk about it with other women. Crazy thing is, EVERYONE knows someone, or several people, with infertility issues! I had no idea there were so many of us out there. Why isn't this Sh*t covered by insurance??????
We want to buy a house, but we can't take out a $15,000 loan for fertility purposes and expect to buy a house. I just started a job in march...I'm not even through my 90 days yet, so IVF may have to wait a year. At the same time though, my head and my heart are conflicting.....why wait to have children? Isn't that a higher spiritual law? Do I sacrifice my job to start a family? Can we afford to do that? We live in a 1 bedroom apartment....we need more space if we're going to have babies! The time commitment is so great when it comes to the IVF process...I'm just torn.
I've also really struggled spiritually. I haven't been focusing on US and my own spiritual needs...so one day I just hit rock bottom and had a meltdown about how bad of a person/wife I am. After talking about it several times with Beau, we decided we needed to spiritually try harder. Granted, each day I try to be better than the day before....it's one step at a time. :)
Things I look forward to (besides taking my bra off every day after work):
{June/July 2013} Flying Champ home to AZ from NY!
Finding a private financier for our IVF
Figuring out when we'll start IVF
Buying a house and making it a home. :)
Building a stronger marriage and relationship with my husband. <3
Saturday, August 18, 2012
*giggles*
My husband is so good to me...or maybe it's that he really loves sweets! He's decided to take a trip across the street to get some chocolate, ice cream, caramel sauce...or maybe just a Dove bar. LOL! Love him! On another note, he actually let me wax what little hair he had on his back and I was ROLLING! Every muffled scream into a pillow had me laughing so hard I could hardly stand! :) He's fine now...just in case anyone was worried....LOL! Imagine me, hands together in prayer fashion, tapping my fingers together, lowly laughing bwahahaha...! So evil. =D
Monday, August 13, 2012
Thirty shmirty...right? :)
Okay, so I had meh hair did the other day and took some pictures to post the amazing work of my girl Haley! The pictures immediately freaked me out because, focusing on my eyes, I could see that they said I was almost thirty....but I feel 25. Eek! I DO NOT see myself as an 'adult,' though my whole life I have always acted more mature than those my own age. Probably the whole having a job at the age of 10 and 5 younger brothers and sisters to care for. When at work I wonder if the children I work with see me as an adult...or relatable? When I was 25 I felt 23. Can anyone else relate to this? :)
Anyhow, after seeing the results of the pictures I had taken, I decided to go into action about anti-wrinkle serums and skin care. The consensus seemed to hover around the following skin care lines:
Philosophy
OCM (Oil-cleansing method) which I only have a blog for
http://simplemom.net/oil-cleansing-method/
Mary Kay Timewise
NeriumAD
Murad
Kate Sommerville
NYR Organic
Organic Rosehip Oil
Anyhow, after seeing the results of the pictures I had taken, I decided to go into action about anti-wrinkle serums and skin care. The consensus seemed to hover around the following skin care lines:
Philosophy
OCM (Oil-cleansing method) which I only have a blog for
http://simplemom.net/oil-cleansing-method/
Mary Kay Timewise
NeriumAD
Murad
Kate Sommerville
NYR Organic
Organic Rosehip Oil
The Rosehip Oil is something you can use under an SPF moisturizer for extra supple skin!
SO, I think what I'll be doing is trying each out for a couple of months at a time and follow up with my results on here! Wish me luck! :)
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
20 Things I Wish I'd Known at 20...
I was on Pinterest (surprise..) and saw this neat link to an article which inspired the title of this entry. Then I started thinking....what do I REALLY wish I'd known at 20? Hmmmmm.....
1. True love can never be fully understood until it happens!
2. Marriage can never be fully understood until it happens. Can I just say that as a side note, I could not wait to get married...literally my WHOLE life. LOL! I was engaged twice prior to my marriage to Beau, but obviously they didn't work out. It wasn't until I was married that I realized marriage really IS a serious matter...you need to be VERY thoughtful about! It's not like you can get married and just duck out (ahem....Kim Kardashian). It's serious! You are linked to someone by the LAW. Your name changes, your personal identity will change some, everything is now NOT all yours (LOL!), everything you do DOES effect the person you're married to and so much more. (wow...rant!) :)
3. A mental wellness check is perfectly OKAY every now and then!
4. Notice the details. Before I was married I didn't really care what kind of paper someone's wedding invitation came on. Now I know that SO many details go into the font, placement, wording and type of paper...that it shouldn't just be marked on the calendar and invite thrown away.
5. Be aware of the type of Health/Vision/Dental insurance you have, and UNDERSTAND it. (So many people don't!!!)
6. Keep track of your jobs and addresses. (I moved around A LOT)
7. Having a closet full of slacks and blouses does NOT mean you don't know how to have fun.
8. Being an introvert is NOT a bad thing. :)
9. Nobody has to like you and you don't have to like nobody! Being nice IS overrated.
10. Sometimes you have to go back to the store for ONE thing. It happens. Don't fret over it. (I was SUCH an uptight type-A person in my early twenties. I recall requesting my sister to make our grocery list so I could go to the store after work. She forgot to list the paper towels and still she swears I didn't speak to her for 3 days because of it. LOL!! I don't remember this.....) :)
11. You don't realize JUST how beautiful you are. Why is it you're never single??? Think about it!
12. Be considerate, polite and close your mouth when you have no idea on a topic. Don't just blurt out what you think it may be or what Google said it could be.
13. Have FUN! I'm not talking liquor. Find fun people and do fun things! Skydiving ---> FUN!
14. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE. It doesn't help anything. :)
15. Really try to not judge people. You could very easily end up in their shoes someday.
16. At least TRY out your dreams. Even if you don't reach the finish line how you'd envisioned, you have life lessons and good stories to tell. :)
17. If it seems too good to be right...RUN!!!!
18. Always watch your back. No one you work with, above or below you, gives two rips about whether or not you have a job.
19. GO to college. JUST do it. Get a degree in tofu for all I care. Just get a degree....apparently it gets your foot in the door when it comes to jobs. ;)
20. NEVER STOP BEING PASSIONATE!!!!!!
Okay...that is all for now I think. :)
1. True love can never be fully understood until it happens!
2. Marriage can never be fully understood until it happens. Can I just say that as a side note, I could not wait to get married...literally my WHOLE life. LOL! I was engaged twice prior to my marriage to Beau, but obviously they didn't work out. It wasn't until I was married that I realized marriage really IS a serious matter...you need to be VERY thoughtful about! It's not like you can get married and just duck out (ahem....Kim Kardashian). It's serious! You are linked to someone by the LAW. Your name changes, your personal identity will change some, everything is now NOT all yours (LOL!), everything you do DOES effect the person you're married to and so much more. (wow...rant!) :)
3. A mental wellness check is perfectly OKAY every now and then!
4. Notice the details. Before I was married I didn't really care what kind of paper someone's wedding invitation came on. Now I know that SO many details go into the font, placement, wording and type of paper...that it shouldn't just be marked on the calendar and invite thrown away.
5. Be aware of the type of Health/Vision/Dental insurance you have, and UNDERSTAND it. (So many people don't!!!)
6. Keep track of your jobs and addresses. (I moved around A LOT)
7. Having a closet full of slacks and blouses does NOT mean you don't know how to have fun.
8. Being an introvert is NOT a bad thing. :)
9. Nobody has to like you and you don't have to like nobody! Being nice IS overrated.
10. Sometimes you have to go back to the store for ONE thing. It happens. Don't fret over it. (I was SUCH an uptight type-A person in my early twenties. I recall requesting my sister to make our grocery list so I could go to the store after work. She forgot to list the paper towels and still she swears I didn't speak to her for 3 days because of it. LOL!! I don't remember this.....) :)
11. You don't realize JUST how beautiful you are. Why is it you're never single??? Think about it!
12. Be considerate, polite and close your mouth when you have no idea on a topic. Don't just blurt out what you think it may be or what Google said it could be.
13. Have FUN! I'm not talking liquor. Find fun people and do fun things! Skydiving ---> FUN!
14. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE FUTURE. It doesn't help anything. :)
15. Really try to not judge people. You could very easily end up in their shoes someday.
16. At least TRY out your dreams. Even if you don't reach the finish line how you'd envisioned, you have life lessons and good stories to tell. :)
17. If it seems too good to be right...RUN!!!!
18. Always watch your back. No one you work with, above or below you, gives two rips about whether or not you have a job.
19. GO to college. JUST do it. Get a degree in tofu for all I care. Just get a degree....apparently it gets your foot in the door when it comes to jobs. ;)
20. NEVER STOP BEING PASSIONATE!!!!!!
Okay...that is all for now I think. :)
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
{E}motions
They say redheads have tempers. Supposedly being an Aries doesn't help either. LOL!
This will be a bit of an emotional blog. I've had many moments lately when I have felt out of control; Growling at co-workers for screwing up for the 10th time, feeling the urge to cry at the drop of a hat, feeling love beyond words and heartache that is only consoled by sleep. I can only chalk all of this up to the irony of getting off of my birth control pills. It amazes me to think of how smoothly things rolled off my back and how "robot-like" my emotions were. Anger, love and other feelings were there, but lingered under the surface...never quite getting the chance to breathe. Well, the rains have gone and the fire is blazing. :) I find myself proud at moments when I am able control my emotions and reactions. Disappointment quickly setting in when I flare up and guilt follows. It probably sounds like I've stabbed someone or at least pressed the button to launch a nuclear attack. Nah...these are little moments. The ones I should really be able to control. The ones I HOPE to control. This way I can move on to bigger and better things.
On the other hand...I have never loved with more of my heart than I do now. Honest, honest.
I suppose that within the depth of a heart, you may find the something of hell or heaven. Even greater, I think the crime here would be to NOT love as deeply as I could; To mask my emotions and react mechanically throughout the day.....
Well, here's to being a Ginger...embracing my emotions and tenderly loving each moment as it happens....with or without the growling...LOL! :)
This will be a bit of an emotional blog. I've had many moments lately when I have felt out of control; Growling at co-workers for screwing up for the 10th time, feeling the urge to cry at the drop of a hat, feeling love beyond words and heartache that is only consoled by sleep. I can only chalk all of this up to the irony of getting off of my birth control pills. It amazes me to think of how smoothly things rolled off my back and how "robot-like" my emotions were. Anger, love and other feelings were there, but lingered under the surface...never quite getting the chance to breathe. Well, the rains have gone and the fire is blazing. :) I find myself proud at moments when I am able control my emotions and reactions. Disappointment quickly setting in when I flare up and guilt follows. It probably sounds like I've stabbed someone or at least pressed the button to launch a nuclear attack. Nah...these are little moments. The ones I should really be able to control. The ones I HOPE to control. This way I can move on to bigger and better things.
On the other hand...I have never loved with more of my heart than I do now. Honest, honest.
I suppose that within the depth of a heart, you may find the something of hell or heaven. Even greater, I think the crime here would be to NOT love as deeply as I could; To mask my emotions and react mechanically throughout the day.....
Well, here's to being a Ginger...embracing my emotions and tenderly loving each moment as it happens....with or without the growling...LOL! :)
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
My Husband...
This man has filled my heart with SO much love! Almost 10 months in and any opposition has only brought us closer. I feel so blessed that God saw fit to bring us together....that He loved me enough to give me this amazing man! No words can describe my love for you Beaubeau! To infinity and beyond plus 1! :)
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